How to Fail at University

As usual, I have left writing my essay far too late. This wouldn't be such a problem if I had gone to any lectures, taken any tutorial notes or done any of my readings for this subject. Here's a fun fact: I haven't done any of those things and am almost half way through the semester.
At the moment, I'm taking what I believe to be a well-deserved break. I'm just over half way through my essay and still don't know what the question is really asking or what my answer is really saying. I'm in top form tonight.
I've been informing Justin every now and then the things I'd rather be doing (by the way, he is trying to cram for an exam - we're great students...) Thus far, my list involves: poking my eye out and putting my head in a toilet (I didn't actually say that one out loud to him, for fear he would leave me...) Both would honestly be far more interesting an experience.
As another form of procrastination, I thought I would share with you the methods that I am personally testing to see if they will indeed make me fail university.
1. Leave everything to the last minute. Then have a panic attack. Then require copious amounts of sugar and caffeine. Then look like absolute rubbish for the next 48 hours. This particular method has the effect of making you look like a possum (all wide-eyed and nocturnal) yet also like a crazy person who really likes drugs.
2. Continuously swap attending lectures for electronic entertainment. My drug of choice here is Foxtel. So many channels! I attempt to justify this with 'I'll look at the lecture slides later'. I am that bad that I don't even do that. The best bit about this method is you get to play a guessing game with yourself in tutorials and try to work out what everyone is talking about. If you get it right AND make a successful contribution to class, you can leave that tutorial the second you've finished speaking. 50 points to Gryffindor.
3. Wear your 'I hate you' face to university. This is a personal favourite. If you walk facing the sun and squint directly at it, people think you're really mad and generally stay away from you. Thus making it difficult to make friends. Thus making it difficult to steal their study notes. This, however, does mean that people who are really passionate about their political or religious causes tend to throw flyers in your face less often. Although it did result in some guy telling me I looked like I needed a free hug. Yeah okay creeper, keep walking...
The final one is for those truly brave souls who really think they have what it takes...
4. Enrol in subjects that are spoken in another language.  Then proceed to speak a third, completely different language in that class for the rest of semester. 'Nuff said.
If at this point you would like to contribute further ways for me to procrastinate, I would greatly appreciate it. 
P.S - Don't try to fail at university guys. Stay cool, stay in school.