in memory of my Grandad

Disclaimer: This post is going to be a little bit sad and a lot long - sorry!

As you know, my blog is called For My Grandfather. Just over to the right there you'll see that his name was Charles Bentley. And between you and me, I am so super proud to have known him. 

Today, April 10th, marks the one year anniversary of his passing. In preparing this post I had to ask myself, is this something I really want to put on the Internet? And the answer is yes. Why? Because, to me, this kind of stuff can only help people.

When I began writing this I was so overwhelmed with sadness and grief and all I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and go back to when things were a lot less complicated. Spending a few days reflecting though, and hanging out with my Nana, I had a bit of a revelation. Nana is okay with this, because as Grandad got sick she had time to wrap her head around it. Yes, it was an incredibly tough time for her. But she has an amazing inner strength that simply wows me. 

We were talking about grief the other day and she said she has been able to identify the stages and confidently say that she has gone through them. I had to step back back and think, if she can do this then I most certainly can.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that I'm beginning to be okay with this. Death is a part of life and when you first experience it, it shakes you to your core. Things that previously retained so much value and were pivotal to your life suddenly become inconsequential and meaningless. This is completely okay as long as, at some stage, you're able to get back on track and give meaning to the things that make life wonderful. 

I didn't think that I was at the stage but it dawned on me that by creating this blog and living each day by staring my blog title in the face, I was beginning to win. I have become able to live my life and recognise things that I value and have that be completely okay. I write about things that matter to me, that make me laugh, that are important to me and I do all of that with Grandad in my heart. He becomes no less important and neither does his passing simply because I choose to live my life in the best way possible. I view it as a little daily tribute to him.

Today in particular, I find it very important to share his story. His passing haunts me to a degree, but not to the point where it's a negative. I have turned it into a positive in a way, a reminder to say things that need to be said before it's too late and to cherish and live off only positive memories. 

In the last couple of years of his life, Grandad developed Multiple Myeloma. This is a very aggressive and very rare form of cancer. It essentially attacks the white blood cells in your body, whose job it is to create antibodies and protect you from getting sick. This cancer eats away at your bones from the inside out, making it extremely painful. One of the most common places for it to exist is within the spinal cord and that is where Grandad had it.

Grandad, being Grandad, didn't tell anyone he was in a pain for a really, really long time. He would only mention his headaches and dizziness in passing, but these are all symptoms of hypercalcemia which is often associated with MM. To think back now though and to imagine the amount of pain he was actually in on a daily basis is devastating.

To make matters worse, Grandad was developing Alzheimer's Disease as well. He began to forget a lot of things and at many stages, he didn't know who he was anymore. I think this is the part that really upsets me. To forget who you are, who you love and what you do terrifies me. I witnessed some of his confusion and disorientation and I'll tell you, it breaks your heart. 

People diagnosed with MM are given approximately 4 years to live. This cancer goes unnoticed quite a lot because people attribute the pain to other, less serious medical issues. Many times it was thought that perhaps Grandad had fractured a bone.

Once it became apparent that Nana could no longer take care of Grandad because he was in that much pain and was just having too much trouble remembering, he was moved to get professional care. This is where he stayed for the remaining months.

This is where I should stop to tell you that Grandad was eternally grumpy. He had absolutely no patience for anyone or anything. He preferred to do things himself because it was quicker and he usually did a better job {I am completely the same as Grandad in this regard!} Having people take care of him was the worse thing imaginable for him. He couldn't stand not being able to do things himself. 

As grumpy as he was though, he could laugh at any joke. He loved jokes and a good sense of humour and would practically laugh himself out of air and then wheeze himself back. He used to go as red as a tomato and then habitually smooth his hair when he was embarrassed.

I learnt so much from him and that didn't even occur to me until after he passed away. Many of the things I love now, I love because of him.

I had been fighting with myself in early April of last year, feeling a need to fly back to New Zealand to see him. Up till that point I didn't feel this sense of urgency. My gut just wasn't saying to me that it was time. In March and April though I felt off. I can't explain it, it's just this feeling that something isn't quite right. I tried to find a time to fly over but between work, university and other excuses, I just couldn't manage it. 

I finally had enough, got my priorities in order and booked a flight for Monday 11th April 2011. 

He passed away on Sunday 10th April 2011.

I was actually out when it happened, watching a friend's soccer game. I looked up and I saw a rainbow and I thought, 'Wow, that rainbow is so beautiful..' It hadn't been raining and that's what surprised me. The sky was overcast and like it wanted to rain, but it hadn't. This rainbow just wanted to be seen. I feel like I should've known then that something wasn't quite right.

I just missed him, by one day.

Now there are some things that I just simply cannot share here because they are just too, too personal but I hope that I have done the right thing by writing this down. I don't want him to ever be forgotten. I also wanted to write this down so that maybe if your priorities aren't in the right order, this can be a wake up call. 

Life is too short and you cannot wait. I waited, I let life get in the way of living. I missed my moment and that's something I'm going to carry around with me for a really, really long time. I have learnt my lesson - we need to make sure that those you love know that you love them. Tell them every single day. 

Grandad knew that I loved him and I know that he loved me. I just wish I'd said goodbye.

I really hope this has shed some light onto what I'm doing over here in my corner of the world and I hope that, when you read my blog title, it can be a little reminder to you to not let life pass by.

If you have any questions or you've been through a similar thing, I am all ears :) 

Happy Charles Bentley day everyone!